natalie's letter
by Pegmumm
Summary: Trip receives a Dear John letter from Natalie. He shares his feelings with T'Pol


Disclaimer: Star Trek: Enterprise is the property of Paramount; I am just borrowing the characters and setting.

I am new to the Star Trek Enterprise universe, having been without a television since the year 2000. The Dvd's were a recent acquisition.

This takes place towards the middle of the first series in conjunction with a Dear John letter for Trip.

By the way, this hasn't been beta'd, this is my second submission after being away from writing for 15 years. Reviews are welcome.

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Trip sat at the desk in his quarters with the lights dim and soft jazz playing in the background. He had gotten off shift, had dinner and come home to find his comm data link blinking. He kept staring at the screen in front of him, the letter from Natalie just kind of hanging there like a malignant cloud. It was cordial but distant, polite without being personal.

_You'd think we had never had a life together. This sounds like I'm some co-worker she met on the bus. At least things hadn't changed… she's treating me just like she always treated me, as if I was a bug she had decided not to step on._

He blinked away tears, bowed his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He got up and walked to the intercom. He really hated Dear John letters and doubted this would be his last. Bearing this alone was killing him.

"Tucker to Subcommander T'Pol"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Do you have time.... could you come down to my quarters for 15 minutes? I really need someone to talk to. This isn't something I can talk about in the mess hall."

"Certainly, Commander. I'll be there shortly."

T'Pol arrived about 2 minutes later.

_She must have left the moment I called._

"Have a seat." Trip gestured to the chair at the desk and sat on the edge. "Make yourself comfortable. This could take awhile"

"What is the problem, Commander?" T'Pol sat down in the large chair by the desk and gathered her feet underneath her, a cup of tea in her hand. Part of her duties as XO included counseling with her staff …however very few crewmen chose to engage showing a preference for human company in time of need. She came prepared to provide an ear for the gregarious engineer just as he provided an ear for her when she made the decision not to return to Vulcan to marry her betrothed.

Trip stood up and handed her a framed photo of a pretty dark haired woman. At the bottom right corner a greeting was written in gold "To Trip, love Natalie."

"Your sister, Commander?" She knew from reading his dossier that this was his ex-girlfriend. They had broken up just before Trip received his commission to the Enterprise.

"Ahh no, she's not my sister. I asked you here 'cuz I needed to talk to someone and you seemed to be the best person to talk to. I didn't want anyone to pity me or say things work out for the best. I don't want to hear it anymore. I know you don't hold with any of that sentimentality." Trip paused for a moment and stared at the coffee cup in his hand. He sat down on his bunk and leaned forward.

"I got a letter from her today. She told me she had moved on and was getting married… and that she was finally ending things between us. Nothing personal, she said. It's hard for me not to take something like this personal. I see it as a personal failure."

He continued, "Natalie always had this desperate need to be loved. She had been abused as a kid, she needed constant reassurance and, to be frank, physical intimacy. I thought I could make it all better and this kinda' helped us to develop something that I thought was more serious. I knew that once I accepted a commission on Enterprise that our relationship was over. I wouldn't be there to provide the kind of comfort she needed."

"Commander," she shifted in her chair, "Vulcan couples can spend years away from each other. There is no expectation that their spouses will find others. I do not have any experience in this area nor do I know anyone that has." T'Pol was now aware she was in the Commander's quarters because she was seen as unemotional and distant. She knew he felt he needed help to retain control. Her own emotions were working overtime. She wondered how he could think she had no feelings regarding his situation.

"Yeah, I know, I remember our talk about going back for your wedding. That's why I thought I would return the favor so to speak and give you back what you gave me. Besides I just needed to talk to someone before I broke." Trip leaned back on his bunk. "I kept telling myself that she would change… that she had changed just by being with me. Well… she found someone else and I received what humans euphemistically term a "Dear John" letter. It's similar to the letter you sent Koss canceling the wedding. Cap'n Archer wants to return to Earth for upgrades to the weapons systems. He asked if I wanted to say goodbye to her in person. That's why I asked you here, to get your advice. Should I say goodbye to her or should I just let this drop and go on with my life?"

"What do you want to do, Commander? Would it provide closure or had you already said goodbye? Would seeing her cause you more pain than you obviously feel right now?"

"Hmm… yeah it would. Even though I have had more than a year to think about this, it's still painful. At least she was kind enough to send the final legal paperwork that frees me from any responsibilities."

"I don't understand. Why would your girlfriend send you legal papers?"

"Commander… Natalie's my wife. Well, now she's my ex-wife. They are my final divorce papers."

"Wife? Your dossier said nothing about your being married. You denied having experience with marriage when I had to make a decision about Koss. Why did you lie?"

"You read my dossier?" Trip smiled briefly. "Yeah, I managed to keep it quiet and out of my professional files. We got married in Mexico 2 years ago, she never took my name nor did she claim any Starfleet benefits. She was gone most of the time we were married anyway. I wasn't blameless. I became obsessed with my work to avoid the pain I felt. It wasn't much of a marriage and it didn't last very long." Trip leaned back against the wall. "There's more to this... human relations are messy, probably 'cuz of our sexuality." He took a deep breath. "My wife cheated on me with other men. She always had a good explanation. We got married 'cus she thought she was pregnant. She aborted shortly afterwards without saying a word. I wanted that kid. She became pregnant again by someone else just before we split. I had left the relationship long before that. I lived on board Enterprise and rarely saw her. We hadn't had any relations for months... I knew her pregnancy wasn't mine. I still feel a lot of guilt and replay it in my mind. I just couldn't touch her again after I caught her cheating."

"I am sorry to hear about your loss, Commander. What can I do?"

"Just be here to listen, T'Pol. One of the biggest problems with humans is their desire to make it all better when someone is in pain. It was my mistake with my wife and we should never have based a relationship on it." Trip fell silent and developed an intense interest in his coffee cup. "I envy Vulcans and your ability to be dispassionate. I had hoped you could help me distance myself from how I feel right now. I thought I was ready for this but I'm not. I just keep praying for detachment."

T'Pol sat still and sipped at her tea. She surveyed the man on the bed noting the dark circles under his eyes and the tear tracks through the day old stubble on his cheek. She cocked her head to the side and said "I have heard Hoshi say 'If you are not ready to be hurt again, you are not ready.' And from what you are saying, you appear to not be ready to see her."

Trip nodded. "That was the same answer I had come to. I just needed it from someone that was more objective than I am right now. "

"Commander...?"

He paused "I suppose Vulcans don't have such issues." Trip's voice caught in his throat.

"Actually we do. We may not have the same issues you do... we bond only to one person for life and no one else so there is virtually no sexual impropriety with other partners. But we have other... issues. Koss beat me into unconsciousness at our betrothal when I was 8. The emotions Vulcans seek to control are primitive and destructive, sometimes deadly. They can be acted on during mating incurring damage and sometimes cause the death of their partner."

"That puts new light on why you don't want to return to Vulcan to marry Koss. You're scared to death he'll kill you. Your refusal makes more sense."

"It is simply not logical to submit to such an individual when, as you say, I have a choice. I choose not to endanger my life and pursue a career away from Vulcan. If I can avoid marriage to Koss in the process, so much the better."

"And here I thought you were staying because you had a crush on me. Just kiddin'…" He flashed a grin and patted her arm. Trip shook his head and made eye contact. "Thanks for listening, Commander. I have used enough of your time. I think I need to be alone for a bit." He stood up and gestured towards the door.

T'Pol rose and moved to the door. He returned to his desk and gazed at the photo of his now ex-wife. He pulled open the bottom drawer of the desk. He reached in, pulled out a bottle of Kentucky bourbon and set it on the desk. The picture went into the bottom of the drawer face down. The drawer closed.

T'Pol turned and placed her hand on his arm. "I would be honored to sit with you again if you need someone to listen, Commander. I enjoy talking with you and learning about your culture and about you. Good night." She turned and walked through the doorway.

"Thanks, Sub-Commander." Trip called after her as she walked down the hallway. He sighed.

_I have no clue why I just told her all this. _He shrugged. _No harm, no foul. She won't tell a soul, doesn't matter anyway._

Trip knew he lost Natalie a long time ago. He caught her cheating on him when he accidentally came home early one afternoon. They had fought, split, reconciled and then split again. They married hurriedly when she said she was pregnant. She said later there had been a mistake at the lab and the test was negative. Then he caught her with this other guy. He just couldn't trust her again and began denying her any intimacy. She became pregnant with someone else's child after months apart. He told her he was willing to accept it as his if she came back to stay but she hurriedly aborted it, packed up the last of her stuff and left without a word. He found out later from the clinic that it wasn't the first pregnancy she had terminated. There had been one shortly after their wedding day… his child. They hadn't spoken nor had he seen her since. He was still furious with her.

His thoughts returned again and again to Commander T'Pol and her parting touch on his arm. He knew that Vulcans were protective of personal information and wondered why she had confessed her fear of marriage to Koss. Perhaps his confession had convinced her he could be trusted.

_Vulcans don't touch. Maybe there's a heart under all that ice._

Trip picked up the court papers and smiled at the checkmark made in the box for reason for divorce. "_Irreconcilable differences_". he snorted.

What a joke.

Irreconcilable differences…there was a bigger gulf between him and his ex-wife than the one between him and his Vulcan XO.

_Talk about irony. _He put the bourbon back in the drawer unopened, laying it on top of his ex-wife's picture. He had lied to the Commander about saying goodbye.

_You can't say goodbye to someone that was never there in the first place._


End file.
